no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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