I faked an abortion last night.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
