Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
