if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize