I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
