They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
