oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
