Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I want a musical about memes.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
