9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
