Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
