Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
