My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
