Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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