you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
