Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize