Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
