Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
