dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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