Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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