sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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