just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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