What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
