you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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