if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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