Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
