I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
