One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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