1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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