They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
this is an emotional support booty call
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
