you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
wow bdsm is so cute
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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