I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We need to rekindle our bromance
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
