After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
