you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
