When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
