I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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