I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
