ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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