Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
