he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
