i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
