i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
