I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
