The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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