apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
