I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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