I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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