getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
