Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
this hospital has no fireball
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
