i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
