life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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