Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
