i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
