Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
