cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
