my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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