remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
