I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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