I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
